October 2013 will mark the ten year anniversary of Facebook. It has truly been a revolutionizing concept and now represents over 25% of all internet traffic worldwide. Over the last ten years we have seen all types of fads and fashions from liking pictures of people with diseases in hopes of saving them, major corporations getting Facebook pages while having no clue how to use them, all the way to the meme revolution. With all the good comes the bad, and with the end of 2012 approaching it’s time to codify the 10 worst Facebookers of the last decade. Here’s to 2013 and a more tolerable Facebook community. By the way, while you read this if you think you are one of the ten, you probably are and we hope you stop it. Here goes…
1. The Inspirational Guru
We all have this friend, they think they are Facebook’s version of John C. Maxwell. Every morning at the exact same time you can absolutely count on a motivational quote in your news feed. It’s usually a famous Gandhi quote that your friend conveniently forgets to give credit for. They have zero leadership experience, are not a life coach and probably haven’t graduated college yet they have taken it upon themselves to be your guiding light through social media. If you are a life coach, then fine keep motivating us; if you’re not, stop it because you have no credibility. “Whether you think you can or think you can’t, either way you’re right.”
2. The Depressed
This person was recently in a relationship and swore they found the love of their life but for some crazy reason it didn’t work out. Now they’ve taken to the internet to dump all of their personal emotions on us in hopes that someone gives them attention or maybe their Ex will see and come running back to them. Usually this person is marked by a cycle of actions/statements after the breakup: First comes extreme relief, like they are so excited to be free and so thankful they’ve been shown the light. This phase will be known by rogue statements like, “Whew! Glad that’s over! Finally…” When we all know deep down that’s exactly the opposite of what they really feel. After a couple of days this relief phase turns to grief, looking something like, “Missing someone right now…” or “Never thought it would be this hard…” It is an awkward situation for some, especially if you are friends with both of the people involved to see these very personal feelings floating about on display for everyone. It’s like a reality TV show starring your friends, unfolding in real-time. Lastly, the grief phase will turn to anger and you will see things like, “Always knew it would end up this way..” or “Of course! How could I have been so dumb to be with you?!!” After these stages the person will not be seen on Facebook for 3-4 months where they will actually go through the real healing process or can be found in your local shitty bar with their head on the table and a Rolling Rock beer in their hand. We wish you the best!
3. The Gym Rat
One of my favorites, usually an oversized, overly enthusiastic, rage monster whose only priority in life is to be the biggest person in the room at all times. They will post statuses like, “Gym time!”, “Time to kill some Biceps!” or “Leg day is the worst bro!” After their workouts you can bet on a self-pic being posted as they stand in their gym’s locker room only wearing their Under-Armor shorts. Keep it in the gym bros!
4. The Future Politician
Oh god, not this guy. Here we go again, 2012 with its hotly contested election brought a wave of political commentators to Facebook representing everyone from Obama to Ron Paul to Roseanne Barr. This person is relentless. Everyday is a new article, picture, meme, study or graph proving why their candidate is the only possible option in the election. They are usually very sensitive, highly pretentious, and are quick to unfriend you if you disagree with them. They also believe the country is in dire straights and you individually are the key to saving it. They fail to realize that most of the country doesn’t care. To all the political people out there, go run for office for god’s sake.
5. The Foodie
This guy or gal recently discovered Instagram and over 84% of their posts are pictures of meals they’re having. They are not a real food critic and are usually not eating anything or anywhere interesting. Most posts will look like, “Kevin made grilled chicken, broccoli, and potatoes! Yummy!” accompanied by a picture of the plate. Like none of us have ever ate that exact same meal, really?! Sometimes, they will pick a fancy filter to use and take a picture of an exotic/fruity drink they just ordered with a status of “The Good Life!” or “YOLO!” Seriously, we all eat three meals a day and unless you’re at Ruth Chris Steakhouse for your birthday celebration dinner, just keep your food on the table and not the internet.
6. The New Parent
Obviously, this person has a new-born. Now don’t get me wrong, I think children are great and life is a beautiful thing but just because your baby farted doesn’t warrant a status update. It used to be that baby pictures had their own book reserved for family and close friends. Now this parent has access to the World! And watch out because everything their baby does is getting posted, every outfit, every picture, and any event concerning their baby. God forbid you make an observation about this because your head will be electronically ripped off. “How dare you?! My baby is precious and the best baby of all babies! EVER!” Facebook has created a worldwide baby competition, get ready…
7. The New Couple
After reading the title, I’m sure you can pin this person as well as I’m about to. These two probably met on Facebook and are now “Madly in LOVE!”(with three smiley faces). Every date is accompanied by a picture at TGI Fridays that says, “Date Night with my love!” and awww how cute they tagged their better half in the pic! OMG! These two will write a status about each other and then actually comment on the other’s status, “Thanks Babe! You’re the bestest! I’m in the other room but can’t wait to see you!” Their entire relationship plays out over Facebook. 98% of these relationships end in the process I outlined in person 2 “The Depressed”.
8. The Dog Whisperer
Now I love dogs and cats but this person takes it to whole new level. You will get a daily pic of their dog eating, laying, sitting, looking out the window, at the park, in the car, with the ball in his mouth, chasing the ball, tired of the ball, etc. This person also has coordinated dog sweaters for every holiday of the year. They will even against the dog’s will place it in front of the Christmas tree for portraits to share, “Awww! Look at Mr. Pugsly all bundled in his Xmas sweater! So handsome!” Just like the parent with the baby, this person’s dog is the BEST, not up for debate.
9. The Mirror Pic Taker
Usually a girl but could be a guy. They remind me of that Willy Wonka meme, “Oh you’re a model? What’s your agency? Instagram?!” This person is so vein that every time they get ready to go out they grace us with the picture to prove it. The pic is taken in their bathroom, hair did, make up done, cleavage showing and duck face is the pose of choice. Tag line of “Girls night at the Drynk! Call me Maybe!” Some of the same girlfriends who are going out with her that night are the comments on the pic, “pretty lady”, “Get ready girl!” and sometimes the random bro will comment, “Damn girl, lookin good! Hit me up..” For some unknown reason she gets the most likes. This girl either has confidence issues, is an attention whore, or maybe just knows how good she looks and has to broadcast it, which we still can’t stand.
10. The Play by Play Announcer
This person is quite possibly the biggest offender of Facebook etiquette. They average over 7 statuses a day pertaining to nothing important but act like we are all waiting with baited breath as to what’s happening with their day. When they wake up, “Just woke up! Got my coffee and off to work!” And so on and so on. “Just took out the trash, ugh!” or “Just choked on my water! lol” If they don’t give us the real-time play by play they will wait to get home and post the whole day’s events in one long status: “Woke up late, but still got coffee, yess! Went shopping for groceries, was packed. Ran some errands, traffic was crazy. Finally home relaxing on the couch having a glass of wine. Ahhh and maybe bed at a decent hour!” Seriously, we don’t want to be mean but stop it.
I am sure you all have your own list of ten but these are mine, feel free to add yours below or comment on which was your favorite. Below is a list of honorable mentions. Maybe 2013 we can make Facebook a better place! And if you were one of the ten, don’t worry we still want to be your friend just take it easy for us okay?!
11) The Hashtagger – #hashtagsonfacebookdontwork #stopit
12) The Random One – Posts a one sentence status that only they and one other person will understand.
13) The Nerd – Every status is actually really interesting and cool but nobody reads them(See Higgs Boson Particle).
14) The Meme Enthusiast – Every status is a meme.
15) The ESPN Broadcaster – Posts statuses about sporting events happening live, “Did anyone just see that!!??”
16) The Lyric Lover – Every status is two sentences of a popular song on the radio. “I am on a 24 hour champagne diet, spilling while I’m sipping. I encourage you to try it…” That was Drake, see? It didn’t work.
17) The Promoted Posts – Companies who spend money to get a “promoted post”. We already drink Miller Lite, stop it.
18) The Profile Picker – Changes their profile pic every three days.
By Christopher Sankey